Why Millennials Struggle to Talk to their Boomer Parents about Career Concerns
In my experience as a career clarity coach who primarily works with millennials, I’ve noticed an interesting trend. I’ve noticed that a lot of my millennial clients are fearful of talking with their Boomer parents about their career concerns.
When clients come to me, it’s typically because they’re looking for more fulfillment from their career, and they’re not quite sure how to get it. They have doubts about their career that they’ve been ignoring for a while, and they’re finally ready to address them. It’s an exciting time, and I love getting to do this work with my clients! Unfortunately, though, this excitement is sometimes minimized once a conversation about families comes up. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been discussing this work with clients when they share that they’re scared of talking about our work together with their parents. There’s a few reasons why this seems to happen:
There seems to be a big divide between how many Boomers and Millennials view careers
While it’s hard to paint with a broad brush here, I’ve noticed a bit of a trend in my last 5 years of business… Many of my clients are fearful of speaking to their Boomer parents because they know their parents think of careers in a totally different way. For many of my clients, they know that their parents did their job day in and day out, without ever really asking whether they were fulfilled. It’s a challenge because it creates a total gap in the conversation here. My millennial clients are looking for something more fulfilling, and they feel funny discussing this desire with their parents because it feels a bit entitled. “My parents slogged through their job for 40 years and never expected ‘fulfillment’...who the hell am I to be asking for such a thing?!” Ouch.
Many parents give a voice to the fears we’re holding deep down
In that same vein, parents often have a special ability to give clout to the “head trash” we’ve all been secretly believing. For example, they might tell you that a fulfilling career is a pipe dream, or that it’s unrealistic to want. They might tell you that it’s entitled to ask for career fulfillment when it’s more important to be gainfully employed. They might even tell you that “work is called work for a reason”. If any of those concepts sound familiar, it’s likely a reason why you’re avoiding letting your parents in on your secret career concerns. You’re fearful that they will tell you the thing you’re secretly worried about is true...
Because I typically work with high achievers, they’re not used to (or comfortable with) “disappointing” their parents
This point cannot be understated. Due to the nature of the clients I typically work with, I think the fear of “disappointing” their parents by being honest about their career concerns is a huge factor. I tend to work with the “high achievers” of the world - the folks who are often perfectionists, who have always made “good choices”. These clients tend to think in black and white terms, meaning that they’re exceptionally fearful of letting their parents down. They assume that admitting hesitation or concern equates to throwing in the towel on their career, and they certainly don’t want to do that.
So, do any of these above reasons resonate with you? If so, I want to remind you of 3 things:
You are allowed to want a fulfilling career, just as your parents are allowed not to want one (if that’s what they really want).
Priorities vary when it comes to careers. Depending on the stage of life you’re in, the circumstances you grew up in, and various other things, the tenets of what you consider a “successful” career is will vary. For some people, success is about money and prestige. For others, success is about fulfillment and job satisfaction. For some, it’s about flexibility. No matter what you consider job success, you are entitled to that opinion. That said, the only way to feel fulfilled in your career is to build it around what YOUR definition of success is (because otherwise you will never feel successful). Got it?
Just because something CAN be true, it does not mean that it is ALWAYS true.
Just because your Uncle Larry decided to start a business that didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that entrepreneurship is a death wish... In general, people’s beliefs about their career and the world around them are formed based on the things that they’ve seen. Just because your parents believe that a fulfilling career is a pipe dream, it does not mean that this is unequivocally true. Here, I think it’s important to remember that the reason why many of our Boomer parents think (and say) that a fulfilling career is unrealistic is because it’s easier to say that something is impossible than it is to admit that it’s possible and that you just never went for it. Read that again.
While this can feel a bit harsh, I think it’s important to remember where beliefs come from. If your parents are telling you a “truth” about your career, it’s important to remember that this truth was likely passed down to them as a truth by their parents and experiences… No hard feelings, but you can choose to let go of these beliefs that don’t feel very true to you. ;)
You have to live your life for YOU.
At the end of the day, you have to live a life that makes you happy. If you’re spending all of your time worrying about how your decisions will be received or how they will impact others, you are taking on an uphill battle. Someone will always have an opinion, so typically the best thing you can do is ensure that you are leaving yourself with a good opinion on your decisions.
So…what do you think? Do any of these challenges resonate with you when it comes to sharing your career concerns with your parents? You’re in good company if they do. That said, I think that pushing through these fears and letting your parents in on your career concerns can have some seriously powerful results.
One of my past clients, we’ll call her D, admitted to me that she was “pseudo-committing” to a career transition, and a big part of that was stemming from her resistance to letting her family in on her secret. Her parents were both lawyers, and she was scared to tell them she wanted to leave her successful career in recruitment in search of something more fulfilling. She was scared that they would say (as they had in the past) something along the lines of, “Well we didn’t expect fulfillment from our careers, but these jobs enabled us to support you and our family. Why would you think you’re entitled to fulfillment?”.
Here’s the thing, though… Once D finally mustered the courage to let her parents in and tell them what was really going on, she felt totally freed. From that point on, she was able to wholeheartedly put her effort into figuring out what kind of job would be a better fit for her long-term. It was a very powerful thing. And I’m happy to say that D eventually did get to those answers as a result of our work.
Whether you decide to let your parents “in” on your career concerns or not is a very powerful decision, and there are all kinds of considerations to take into account. When you choose to let them in, though, it can often be the first step towards truly committing to your career transition and finding fulfillment. Wouldn’t that be amazing?
P.S. If you’re ready to commit to finding fulfillment, I’m here to help.